speak to us of beauty

A Calloused Heart

2011-10-25T23:03:00.006-05:00

I'm just going to be honest. The past year has been one of my hardest, spiritually. It was probably evident here, as well--I have not felt like blogging, or even like writing most days. Too much effort. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my decision to blog/not blog one day means that I am somehow spiritually "lacking," I'm just saying that it has often times reflected the state of my heart towards Christ. I fully intend on assuming full responsibility for my apathy here, but seminary will do that to you. If I had known 3 years ago that my spiritual life would look as it has these past 2 1/2 years, I might not have decided to go, to be honest. It's a scary place to be surrounded by godly, brilliant teachers and to be able to take 3 years out of your life to get really good training...and yet feel so far and distant from Him that even the slightest thought about Him outside of class feels tiring. I wish I could say that I've been completely faithful to Him these past couple of years, and that they have had to drag me out of all my classes because I was so enthralled with what I was learning there. It's been hard. And so rewarding, yes. But hard. To this day, I know that my heart has been hardened towards some really profound truths that have unfortunately been disguised in cliches. I have found myself rolling my eyes at the remark that "God is good." What is that? I think that actually says more about my heart than about the person who probably genuinely believes it. When did I tire of hearing that? Or, like my boyfriend has been known to share his faith on occasion :) Why do I find myself getting an attitude when he begins to strike up a conversation with a stranger about our faith? At some point along the way, my heart became calloused to eternal things. Satan had his foothold; he used what was good (3 years at seminary) for evil (to drive a wedge between me and my God), and he had me. I should not be surprised.

However, I am graduating in May, and all my problems should go away.

No.

In all seriousness, and by God's grace, I feel as if something has softened within me these past couple weeks. I'm not going to go into a whole nother paragraph about all Christ is doing in my life and how he has been faithful to refine me, but in fact he has been and is doing so. It's an amazing truth to know that God pursues and works within us despite ourselves. When we're pouting and playing hard to get, he's there. And when I feel as if I am all alone down here, he is beside me, behind, and before me. When I feel as if he is punishing me for my apathy and for my disobedience, he is beckoning me towards a better life, the life that cannot be found apart from Him. When I feel as if I am asking and asking and asking for guidance, and he just sits silent, I cannot believe the lie that he does not care and wants to keep tormenting me. And I must believe that even when Satan works good for evil, the Lord always takes what is evil and makes it good...makes it right...restores.

Words

2011-07-27T00:45:00.006-05:00

I have kept a journal since 7th grade. Back then it held ribbons from cross country meets and notes from my best friend Austin and little thoughts on who was dreamy and what last name would look good with my first name (I always crossed them out of course just in case anyone saw). I used to write down every detail of my day and would spend hours on my stomach scribbling my pen across the page...every moment had to be captured for when my kids would someday read my words (Dork--I was thinking ahead :)) Over the years, my focus shifted from seemingly insignificant details to heart issues, prayers, worries, praises...the deeper things of life (as they probably should). I remember spending Sunday afternoons at the Starbucks on Texas in College Station with a vanilla latte at my fingers and Frank Sinatra in my ears. It was bliss. But then I graduated, and like, went to seminary where there is ALWAYS something to be completed. Now my journals were filled with Chandler sermons and Bible study notes and little prayers I jotted down between classes, but rarely anything personal or intimate showed up between the lines. I think, in a sense, these past 2 years of grad school have been tough for me when it comes to getting things OUT of my head and actually in front of me. My thoughts and feelings are reality and maybe not so scary when they are on paper. When I have time to write, I process better, I feel more, I learn more, I make connections, I see my sin, my fears and hopes and dreams materialize. And it's even better when those things are put before the Lord and entrusted to him, instead of dwelling on things you can't change and over-analyzing and being introspective to a fault. All that to say...I'm writing again. Some of it will make its way to the blog, some of it will remain in my journals and community group, and some of it will be shared with anyone and everyone who will listen. I am more myself (introverted, uninhibited, slow processing Calli) when I can write. So I'm committing. To anyone who still follows this meager blog--I'd love to hear your feedback! And if not...well, I guess I'll just keep writing all the same, in hopes that the Lord may be glorified and that truth would be spoken here.

Shauna

2011-01-27T23:32:00.004-06:00

One of my favorite authors is Shauna Niequist. Here's the story: I went to a Lauren Chandler conference back in October where they advertised this book signing at IBC the following weekend. Ok so yall, I took one look at that flier and knew I would be goin' to hear that girl speak. Her book was called Bittersweet and it had a piece of chocolate on the cover and it couldn't get any girlier so of course, we showed up in our flats and scarves and giggled all the way into Fellowship Hall where we were greeted with cookies and friendly faces and lots of high pitched voices yelling "OMG!! HIIII!!" It was fabulous. We sat in a small room with rugs and candles and coffee and a curly headed brunette sang for a while until Shauna took her place in an oversized leather chair. Y'all...she was magnetic. She was strong and vibrant...opinionated...and yet gentle and humble and very vulnerable at times. She told story after story and we laughed with her, and she even read two chapters from her book and I held on to every word. Part of the reason I like and identify with her so much is because she writes stream of consciousness--lots of run on sentences--and I write the same way. I think like that--like, cram it all in there before you have to take a breath, you know? Anyone else feel me on that? Anyway, she talked about body image and being 25 and having a son and sitting around the dinner table with good friends. She inspired me. And though she is still young (30-something), there was a wisdom to her writing that compelled me. So, after some Christian pushing of people out the way, I bought that book--her first one too--Cold Tangerines--because it was less expensive than getting SHAUNA tattooed across my right bicep.

So now that I have finished Bittersweet and am halfway through Cold Tangerines, let me just say...that girl gets me. I read these profound words the other night...

"True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop down into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over into the broken, fragile parts of ourselves. We have to give something up in order to get friendship like that. We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. We have to give up our ability to control what people think of us. We have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they'll leave. But what we give up is nothing in comparison to what this kind of friendship gives us. Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control it and manage it and manufacture it, then it's something else, but if it's really love, really friendship, it's a little scary around the edges."

I just think that is well said...and true.

Little Wish List

2010-08-13T00:28:00.005-05:00

Ok, so I read Taza's blog religiously (it's Rockstar Diaries over there on my bloggie list). She and Cat Deeley tie for the cutest personalities in the world. She recently wrote about her current wish list and I am just going to be a big copycat tonight because I could really use a wish right now too.

I wish that I could dance. Like really dance. And make it look easy and not clench my fists like a typical ex-cheerleader and fly into a big strong black man's arms that would always catch me. And join a dance community with Robert from So You Think You Can Dance, cause he is one good looking man.

I kind of wish I could have Candice Olson's job on HGTV.

I wish that I lived in Austin most days. I also wish that I had a legit reason for wanting to live in Austin besides thinking that it's hip and there's lot of people in athletic clothes walking around with Whole Foods to-go boxes. I could be an athlete...

I wish that I had more time with GG. I wish that I had {at least} 20 more years of buying stuff from Marshall's with my mom and then prancing into the room to show her so that she could approve of both the dress and the price. I wish that I could sit at her kitchen table with her and eat oatmeal and drink coffee with powdered creamer. I wish that I could look over at her in her chair and see her sleeping and I don't even think I would mind if she snored a little. I wish that I knew what heaven was like so I could know exactly what she has been doing for the past month {even though it's probably only been like 2 seconds up there}.

I wish that I was as good of an encourager as my friend Courtney is.

I wish that I had cute red nails. My nails are already red but not because they've been neatly manicured. They're red because I bite the heck out of them. I'm sorry, I know that's not a good mental image, but it's the truth and no one will help me.

I wish that Katie and Mark lived in Dallas. That also goes for Molly Weisgarber in Ohio.

I hope that I will be as compassionate as my mom is when I am her age. That lady has the most tender heart of anyone I know...but BEWARE! **Must first break hard outer covering of SASS**

I wish those Chicken-N-Minis from Chick-fil-A would win an award. Like 'Yummy Goodness of the Year' or something. I think they deserve it, and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't let it go to their heads.

and...I wish that it wasn't 1:32 in the morning. Why am I awake? I don't get myself sometimes. Goodnight world wide webbers.

Speak to us of Pain

2010-08-06T00:20:00.003-05:00

"Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore, trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranqility:
For his hand, though heavy and hard, is guided by the tender hand of the Unseen,
And the cup he brings, though it burn your lips, has been fashioned of the clay which the
Potter has moistened with his own sacred tears."

Khalil Gibran, The Prophet

A Sentiment

2010-08-02T01:47:00.006-05:00

I am officially moving into a new apartment in like 29 days. That is so exciting. So I was cleaning out my desk tonight and came across a letter written to me over a year ago that I had saved (I am a sucker for sentimentality, but as for you {old clothes}--you're so gone). On the front cover are these handwritten words:

::: "The biggest disease today is not leprosy or tuberculosis {a little dated, I suppose}, but rather the greatest disease is the feeling of being unwanted, uncared for, and deserted by everybody. The greatest evil is lack of love." ::: Mother Theresa

and then beneath it...

::: "God is love." ::: 1 John 4:8

*To the person who sent me that card: Thank you for such a sweet, meaningful reminder. I was so encouraged.

I believe in Him now more than ever.

2010-06-26T22:12:00.008-05:00

I'm sorry to be such a Debby Downer. She is no fun. But I am reminding myself of truth tonight and I have to give the background to get where I'm going. I hate cancer, yall. It has touched so many lovely people that I know, and right now, my sweet grandmother is fighting it hard. She can't walk and she can barely talk, but when we ask her if she can do something (like sit up to take a sip of water), she humbly obeys. I have not heard her complain once. She is confused and tired, and I find myself asking God to bring her peace and to take her home. To see beautiful Jesus and my studly grandpa, who she has not seen in over 20 years. What a place heaven must be. I could get lost just thinking about it for a sec. I've never loved her more than I do now. I have begged and begged the Lord to stop her suffering. And he hasn't...not quite yet. But I believe in Him more than ever. I pray she does too. He hears and intercedes when we cannot find the words.

I have so much to look forward to in the upcoming weeks--painting classes, a new babysitting job, my best friend's wedding, school starting again (yes, I like school), the opportunity to go back to India...but I find it all strangely unfulfilling. I start to worry about something and then I realize that it just does not matter. At all. The things we talk about--90% of it--it's meaningless. What can you take with you when you die? Your husband? Your job? Your reputation? Even pleasant memories we have will not suffice. It's just GG and the Lord right now and that's it. And that's enough. More than enough, actually, and really sweet too.

"For the Lord will not cast off forever, but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion according to the abundance of his steadfast love; for he does not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men."

Lamentations 3:32

Yippee!

2010-06-21T00:20:00.003-05:00

I am going to take painting classes this summer at the Creative Arts Center. I am really really stoked.

Some Hard Truths

2010-06-14T23:19:00.007-05:00

Fact: I am extremely restless.

Fact: "We will never be satisfied with anything less-each day, each hour, or each moment in Christ, through the power of the Holy Spirit-than walking with God."
H. C. G. Moule

Fact: He stoops down to calm and satisfy my starved and groping soul. My soul that searches for true contentment in everything but Him. And He, jealous for me, grace-filled, disciplines and gently reminds me of promises to put me to death. Oh, and I ask that You might indeed kill, and not simply torment my old self...that I might be found in You...a coming home, at long last.

Choosing Him (Though He has already chosen us)

2010-06-10T19:36:00.004-05:00

"I choose to believe in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost-in Christ, my lord and my God. Christianity has the ring, the feel, of unique truth. Of essential truth. By it, life is made full instead of empty, meaningful instead of meaningless. Cosmos becomes beautiful at the Centre, instead of chillingly ugly beneath the lovely pathos of spring. But the emptiness, the meaninglessness, and the ugliness can only be seen, I think, when one has glimpsed the fullness, the meaning, and the beauty. It is when heaven and hell have both been glimpsed that going back is impossible. But to go on seemed impossible, also. A glimpse is not a vision. A choice was necessary: and there is no certainty. One can only choose a side. So I-I now choose my side: I choose beauty; I choose what I love. But choosing to believe it is believing. It's all I can do: choose. I confess my doubts and ask my Lord Christ to enter my life. I do not know God is, I do but say: Be it unto me according to Thy will. I do not affirm that I am without doubt, I do but ask for help, having chosen, to overcome it. I do but say; Lord, I believe-help Thou mine unbelief."

Sheldon Vanauken, A Severe Mercy

Idina Menzel and Lea Michele Duets

2010-06-01T22:25:00.004-05:00

Omg they are so good.

Choosing Wisdom

2010-06-01T09:45:00.006-05:00

I just think the word 'wisdom' is beautiful. I love wisdom. I yearn for wisdom. Jesus was/is the wisdom of God. How lovely is that. The wise fear the Lord (Prov. 9:10). The wise walk with other wise people (Prov. 13:20). The wise are never wise in their own eyes (Rom. 12:16). Two years ago, a friend pointed me to James 1:3-6:

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind."

So I'm asking. But here's the thing. Even though it is God who gives and enables me to act in wisdom, I don't have to passively sit here and wait for wisdom to come. I am active in my pursuit of wisdom (and wisdom can be interchanged for Jesus, as they are one in the same). So what does that look like? Love his Word. Get in Proverbs. Or Ecclesiastes. Seek him first.

And then, I think we make war on our sin. In the past I have kind of discarded this idea because to me, it sounded like behavior modification (willing ourselves to stop doing this, or start doing that). That won't last...simply because it is not a heart change. And only God has the power to change hearts. But I think in this case, I've misunderstood. At some point, we've got to choose wisdom, despite the fact that we don't feel like it. We've got to practice what we've read. We've got to love his Word enough that we exchange temporary pleasure for something that results in his glory and our good. We must realize that Satan fights for control of our minds and bodies, and that we must love and choose what is eternal. So let us pray, and ask, and put to death.

the thing im in love with the most right now is $500. well, besides jesus.

2010-05-01T22:44:00.005-05:00

i love hipstamatic prints. sure do.

a new camera might be on my wish list :)

Hitting Home More Than I'd Like It To

2010-04-24T00:15:00.003-05:00

Can anybody hear me?
The silence is deafening.
Why do you feel so far away?
When I know you're here with me
But I just need the faith to see,
Nothing can separate me from your love.
--via Meredith Andrews

im going to have to apologize to you again, husband.

2010-04-04T23:57:00.007-05:00

my room was one humongous disaster this morning. and you know what that means: any initial thought of feelin like today im going to be really productive and on top of it...down the drain. it's just impossible to study in such an environment, don't you think? i know im right. its impossible.

///so i cleaned///and cleaned///and cleaned.

it was kinda fun. not like six flags-bungee jumping-chips and salsa fun, but fun enough to make me want to rearrange my room again. i decided i would move all the furniture myself and surprise charlie and my mom after i was finished...well, i really overestimated my strength in this whole process. i think i might have even popped some blood vessels when i tried to move my tv armoire.

so i asked charlie if he would help me move my last 2 pieces. he's such a great man to help me with all of my crazy ideas.

so now my room was complete but i still had some adrenaline going so i started to go through my closet. my college roommates know that i will sometimes just throw clothes in the trashcan if i do not want them. i know i should take them to goodwill, but sometimes im just lazy and i can't look at my freshman year owloween t shirt anymore. does anyone feel me on that? im just practicing now so that i dont become hoarder girl in the future.

so, that's all to say...clean your rooms. i know, i know...it sounds like death...but just do it. i feel great about my organizations skills right now. i know that im about 24 hours away from giving myself another pep talk about how fun being clean is, but until then...i can actually see my floor. and that's sayin somethin.

A Psalm of Lament

2010-03-27T20:45:00.001-05:00

Oh Lord, come quickly for us.
Hasten to remove sin’s grip on this world;
We are weary, and our hands grope
in the darkness for any sign of you.

The whole earth turns to idols, graven images
that honor the father of lies;
Our hearts are far from you, we turn inward in disobedience
we are a sick people.
Earthquakes and tsunamis bring devastation to the earth;
we cry out to you for relief.
Death comes to the young, didn't you promise that your
burden is light?
Wives scream in childbirth, they sorrow over the rebellion
of their children;
For even creation groans, as we await your return.

But in the midst of it all, I will remain steadfast,
because you, Oh God, are faithful;
I will hope in your promises, I will remember your great works.

Return to us Father!
Uphold the brokenhearted, be near to those who call upon your name!
For you alone are able to bring redemption to us all;
your grace sustains our very lives.

So, Satan, flee from this place, this is holy ground,
for the Lord will bind you and bring restoration.
He has heard my plea, he will surely come.
Satan will not have his way with me any longer, for I stand in the shadow of the Almighty.

This A.M.

2010-01-20T10:12:00.003-06:00

If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.

:: James 1: 26 ::

Funny Day

2010-01-10T23:25:00.007-06:00

My family went to Park Cities Baptist this morning to hear my old youth pastor speak. What a precious, sweet, sensitive soul.

I ran into my very first boyfriend there. It feels a little weird calling him my "boyfriend" (I was only in 7th grade) but we dated again my sophomore year in high school so I guess that is legitimate. During the first football game of the season he asked me out through a trusted mediator (my friend Brianne) and I remember shyly making my way up the bleachers to sit next to him after it was "official." Why he didn't come to me, I don't know. We had talked only one time before this, face to face. I had thick eyebrows and crooked teeth. I asked him what string he was on in football. He said 2nd.

The second go-around was so funny. We would IM and email each other back and forth (I had a pre-paid cell phone at the time) and I used to print off our conversations and bring 'em with me to school to show all of my friends. Yep, I really did that.

saddest book in america

2010-01-08T14:56:00.008-06:00

Lately...

2010-01-08T14:15:00.013-06:00

So I must admit, I am a little bit nervous about this next semester. Not nervous-slash-dreading it but nervous-slash- I have butterflies in my tummy ALL THE TIME. I feel like a big change is just around the corner.

I am taking 14 hours this semester, and word has it that Spring classes are some of the hardest. I am excited for the challenge. I reworked my schedule this morning, and it looks like I will have a full day Tuesday/Thursday, but no class on MWF. Crossing my fingers my tests will not all fall on the same day...that would be insane. I'd have to move into Crooked Tree and invest in some energy drinks.

I am also going to continue to tutor Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. I love those kids. Precious little bundles of potential.

There is also the possibility that I will be working at East West Ministries as a receptionist on Fridays. My aunt works there (she is the one I will be traveling to India with) and I would really love that. It's kind of like a real job, huh? The plan is to slowly begin putting some things in place so that I can move out this summer? We will see. Needs lots of prayer in the meantime.

On top of everything, little Sarah and I are going to try our best to run the Big D 1/2 Marathon in Dallas on April 11, and training begins January 31. Watching Tucker finish those 26.2 a couple weeks ago was really so inspiring. She's the best.

Also, India is sooo soon! March 13 is very much on my mind these days. It's been amazing to watch the support come in--the Lord really is so faithful and gracious to us. And I feel as if I have had a glimpse of what Paul was taking about in Acts 2 concerning the church and how everyone gave to any who had need. Ahhhh I can't get over it. Such provision, and all divinely orchestrated.

Anyway, enough about me. Had to get my thoughts down for just a sec. I'm just so excited.

Oh! And happy 2010!! The year of change. It's coming, I know it!!

Spring Schedule

2010-01-07T12:47:00.008-06:00

Here's what I'm taking this next spring semester! Sooooo excited, especially for OT.

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1. OT History I

2. Anthropology, Angelology, Hamartiology

(I dropped last semester for Normal Human Growth:

maybe the grossest class ever)

3. Trinitarianism

4. Counseling Appraisal and Assessment Techniques

5. Ruth, Psalms, Jonah, and Selected Epistles

a sharpening.

2010-01-07T12:33:00.004-06:00

today i am thankful that the lord keeps

working despite my cries for relief.

"to keep me from becoming conceited because of these unsurpassing great revelations, there was given to me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of satan, to torment me. three times i pleaded with the lord to take it away from me. but he said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 corinthians 12:7-9

"There never was any problem."

2010-01-03T23:25:00.010-06:00

"Heaven will solve our problems, but not, I think, by showing us subtle reconciliations between all our apparently contradictory notions. The notions will all be knocked from under our feet. We shall see that there never was any problem. And more than once, that impression which I can't describe except by saying that it's like the sound of a chuckle in the darkness. The sense that some shattering and disarming simplicity is the real answer."

--From A Grief Observed, C. S. Lewis

Isn't that beautiful? And true, too, I think.

I have always loved this quote of his and Matt referenced it this morning in church. In fact, alot of what he said today struck a cord with me, as I am wrestling with some of the very things he is. And he is right, there is this unmistakeable tension manifested in the Bible, especially when you look at the apparent dichotomy between 1. the idea that the Lord is sovereign...His will prevails no matter what (Reformed), and 2. the idea that we can change God's mind if we will just ask. But it's not necessarily one or the other--He is sovereign and He relents...simultaneously.

I have a tendency to air on the side that says, "God's will will be done no matter what. It is a very rare occasion that our prayers will make a difference, simply because we cannot see the full picture. We are praying for this person to be healed, but we have no idea what God is going to do through his or her death. Well, so be it." I'm not really sure why I lean this way over the other...I know it speaks of a lack of faith on my part, but I also think it can be attributed to how I view God. Who do I say that He is? (Josh Patterson, you brought it 2 weeks ago...thank you) I'm not sure that I see Him as this intimate, loving, caring God who listens to His people...who is moved by the prayers of the righteous. No...in my mind He is much too great and distant for that. I know...it's a twisted way of thinking. I have a false view of Him, because He is that...and so much more. So I was extremely encouraged today in reading Exodus 32 where, "the Lord relented from the disaster that He had spoken of bringing on His people."

He hears us!
And He cares for us!
Oh and how He loves us!
What great news.

The Love of Human Praise as the Root of Unbelief

2009-12-23T23:04:00.004-06:00

You guys... I cannot say enough about this message from Piper. If you have 45 minutes or so, give it a shot!

http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/MediaPlayer/4223/Video/

keith, i feel so sorry for you in this song

2009-12-21T21:35:00.005-06:00

oh i close my eyes and you and i
are stuck on the ferris wheel ridin' with the motion
and hand in hand we cried and laughed
knowing that love belonged to us, girl if only for a moment

'baby, i'll be back again,' you whispered in my ear
but now the winter wind is the only sound
and everything is closin' down
til summer comes around

::::3 little updates::::

2009-12-20T23:32:00.009-06:00

i shook jeff johnson's hand today at church.
mindy and tucker were with me...i'm sure i came off as stalker girl but it happens.

(ps: he was sitting with afshin ziafat and his wife which is also really awesome)

and one more thing.
for all you christian hedonists out there....
JOHN PIPER is coming to the village to preach next weekend!!
eeeeek!

also,

2009-12-19T23:37:00.007-06:00

i think it is about time that i started liking football. i think the cowboys won tonight? big win, i think. i keep hearing names like drew brees and nick folk and i just have no clue who they are. i think my dad would have a cow if he knew that. so i've been trying to think of things i can do to maybe increase my love for the game (despite my dad having played for the redskins and my brother trying out for receiver this spring) and this is what i've come up with:

1. fix some chips and salsa to eat while watching (i think i could handle 100 consecutive finger pricks if someone kept em coming)

2. spend significant amounts of time at sporty stores like dicks sporting goods, academy, sports authority, etc.

3. develop a crush on a player (shouldnt be too hard, i dont think)

4. not watch a&m play......just kidding that was mean.

5. attend a game at the new cowboys stadium...but $10 hotdogs? thats not ok. i'd rather pack a pb&j and stash it in my purse.

6. reminisce over old cowboys days...with troy aikman and emmitt smith, what a dynamic duo.

7. spend time with die hard mojo fans from odessa permian.

8. study the plays when they come up on ncaa 10 on my brother's xbox.

ok.....break. that's it for now. text me if you think of any others.

mmmm...mai tais sound good

2009-12-19T23:20:00.008-06:00

super nostalgic for hawaii tonight.

this was taken on our last night there...and y'all, i

know this isn't the best picture, but look

at the background! i bet you thought that was a

movie set behind us...nope, no it's not. it's real.

>>>>>><<<<<<<

who wants to go back in 2010?!

2009-12-16T22:49:00.002-06:00

"There was also a prophetess, Anna...She never left the temple but worshipped night and day, fasting and praying. And coming up at that very hour she began to give thanks to God and to speak of him to all who were waiting the redemption of Jerusalem."

Luke 2:36-37

Idolatry

2009-12-06T21:54:00.010-06:00

For the past week and 1/2, my heart and head have been consumed with Matt. I have thought about his ministry at the Village... his wife... his kids... his personality being affected... his ultimate return to preaching... time and time again. I have made myself sick with worry. I have wallowed in sadness and wrestled with the Lord over His timing and obsessed over what would happen if he wasn't here.

-----------

I listened to his "Sabbath" sermon the other night, and he said something that pierced me instantly. He was talking about how we are God's image bearers. But because sin has fractured the cultural mandate to display His characteristics, we begin to make creation our god, which ultimately collapses because it cannot bear the weight of it all. When that happens, we are left shaking our fists, "Why? Why, Lord, would you do such a thing?"

------------

I am guilty. Matt's whole ordeal has revealed such idolatry in my life. I have elevated Matt to a position that he neither deserves nor desires. When was the last time I wept over the cross? Or my own sin? When was the last time I was so eager to pray? When was the last time I praised Him for His goodness--alone--and not simply because He acted in a way that I liked? When was the last time that I remembered Jesus...my Savior...over Matt's ministry? Or worse yet, am I crying out because my idol has fallen or because I know that He is in control? I am reminded of a passage in Hebrews 3 in the midst of everything.

-------------

It reads...

"Therefore...consider Jesus, the apostle and high priest of our confession, who was faithful to him who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God's house. For Jesus has been counted worthy of more glory than Moses--as much more glory as the builder of a house has more honor than the house itself...Now Moses was faithful in all God's house as a servant, to testify to the things that were to spoken later, but Christ is faithful over God's house as a son." (v. 1-6)

----------------

Ok, so Matt is not Moses, obviously, but it's so perfect!! I've praised creation and not the Creator. My prayer is that I...we...would not miss what You would teach us through all of this, Lord, You alone stand forever. This trial is not about Matt. It is about people coming to know You...it is about Your renown...the news of Your glory. Forgive me, Jesus, for my wandering eyes. You will do as You please, and You jealous for the hearts of Your people. So our world is not turned upside down by bad news, but we "seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness," (Matt 6:33), and "lay our requests before You and wait in great expectation." (Ps. 5:3)

-------------

In home group tonight, Clint pointed out that the most frequently used phrases in the Bible are

"Do not be afraid," and "Remember."

So we will not fear, and we will remember the Lord, for His faithfulness, provision, prodding, healing, goodness, discipline....

-------------

Lord, sanctify us.

forgive this post yall...i just had to.

2009-12-06T00:38:00.023-06:00

um....ok.

i'm on team jacob.

(but in my defense...i always have been. even when he was scrawny and had hair down to his waist. i have also been willing to overlook the fact that he lied to bella about edward being on the phone that one time in new moon. he just did it because he loved her, you know? so let's show him some love yall. wooooooooo!!)

Prayer for my pastor

2009-12-02T08:35:00.007-06:00

With Matt heavy on my heart these days, I thought I would share a line that I read in Streams in the Desert this morning.

-------

"Someday God is going to reveal this fact to every Christian: the very things they now rebel against are the instruments He has used to perfect their character and to mold them into perfection, so that they may later be used as polished stones in His heaven yet to come."

Cortland Myers

--------

Please keep him and his family in your prayers this week, as he will have surgery this Friday to remove the tumor in his frontal lobe. We are praying tonight at 7 in all 3 locations...and in Matt's own words...

"We are His and confident."

c.r.ack.i.ng. eg.g.s

2009-11-27T23:37:00.012-06:00

hi!!

well...it's almost midnight and i am waiting on katie b, sarah, and michele to make their moves in words with friends. i am sooooo not tired y'all! and i think for the first time over the break i am officially b o r e d. i know!!! for those of you who really really know me, you know that i hardly ever get bored.

ok so my cousin michelle brought her boyfriend jeremiah to our house for thanksgiving this year. he's 26. super quiet, but really really down to earth and i can tell he cares alot about michelle. so anyway we were upstairs on thursday morning watching the boys play xbox (they were playing some hunting game where you shoot these dogs and then twist their heads off--really sad, i know.) and jeremiah has this ridiculously long beard. and so we're talking, and out of the blue my uncle mike asks michelle (his daughter) what it's like to kiss someone with "all that hair." i know i should probably be more mature than this, but i kind of wanted to run away after that. at the time i was sitting behind my brother on the couch and what seemed natural to me was to crack an egg on his head, let the yoke run down, crack an egg on his head, let the..." etc. etc. so I did, of course...in order to fill some of the awkward silence. well, that made it worse. they just looked at me and i got up and went downstairs to help my mom with the food.

the end.

Love Lounge

2009-11-23T22:07:00.003-06:00

Hello!

I drove home from College Station today after spending a really fun weekend with Crawf and Micha. I love them. We saw 2 movies: New Moon and The Blind Side (my mom and I are going back tomorrow, yes we are), aaaannnnd we ate at really yummy restaurants. But I think the best part about the weekend was just living in the same vecinity as them again. You know? It's really fun to brush your teeth next to someone. And to make three cups of coffee in the morning instead of one. The more the merrier, I say.

That's all to say that I had 3 hours to myself this afternoon to just think. And somehow I got to thinking about what life was like before I was 16 and I could drive home from College Station. At 14 I was determined to drive this little cutie car and put lots of pillows in the back seat so that all of my guests would be comfortable. This dream grew and grew and by the time I was 16 I had decided that I wanted to hang curtains from the rear windows so that it would be like a little love lounge back there. Not a sketchy love lounge, but like an Anthropologie love lounge. Doesn't that sound kind of awesome? I still might do it. But I'm not sure if I've ever told anyone that before.

The end.

2009-11-18T23:39:00.000-06:00

...and they will know us by our love.

Jake.

2009-11-17T22:27:00.006-06:00

I can't wait for J A K E to be here next Wednesday!

What a goober.

(BTW, he has gained 20 lbs. since he moved to Waco. He looks hilarious. You might look for him next year on the big BU offensive lineup...oh I would love it.)

ps, im back! (for the time being)

2009-11-16T21:51:00.011-06:00

things i've come to know while i've been gone:

1. i want a child. i just might take the next one i see...or maybe i'll take one of the kids i babysit. please, someone, help me.

2. oprah and jon gosselin need jesus.

3. if you look at the periodic table, groups will tell you the number of valence electrons and periods the number of energy levels an element has (i have a new found love...err appreciation... for science, thank you a+ tutoring)

4. did you know they have "free advice" booths at white rock lake? i ran by one of them the other day and the man commended me for running with a smile on my face. i was actually wincing in pain.

5. i finally learned how to lift weights the right way (i was always scared that i would look like the hulk if i started working out my arms. but you know what the key is? light weights but more reps...yes! you're welcome.)

6. 10% of people with alzheimers develop the disease before the age of 65. my 53 year old uncle is one of them.

7. i want to be around older, wiser women more and more everyday. i don't remember a time in my life where i was so spurred on by those who have gone before me.

8. i want my home to be a place where people find rest, a place that is open to anyone and everyone... a place where truth is spoken and where grace is bestowed.

9. i'm learning how to cultivate a spirit of thankfulness, god help me.

-----

mmm...that's all for now.

love.

i think kari jobe and i are kindred spirits.

2009-11-16T21:12:00.006-06:00

you're my beloved
you're my bride
to sing over you is my delight
come away with me my love

under my mercy come and wait
til we are standing face to face
i see no stain on you my child

you're beautiful to me
so beautiful to me

i sing over you my song of peace
cast all your cares down at my feet
come and find your rest in me

i'll breathe my life inside of you
i'll bear you up on eagle's wings
and hide you in the shadow of my strength

i'll take you to my quiet waters
i'll restore your soul
come rest in me and be made whole

find her on itunes!

ok, so i know it's only been 10 days, but...

2009-10-26T23:42:00.005-05:00

"my daughter, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the lord and find the knowledge of god. for the lord gives wisdom and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding."

proverbs 2:1-6

-----------

hear my cry, lord.

until next time...

2009-10-15T23:16:00.017-05:00

ok so the truth is
is that i'm bored with my blog.
all creativity has gone out the window...bleh.
maybe it's just that i don't have time
to post about tv or fashion or funny
little stories that i'm just dying to
tell someone. i think that's what
husbands are for anyway.
{or my mom, in my case.}

and let me tell you! i could write a kajillion things on
seminary studies, profs, chapel, books, etc.
but i think i should probably hold off
on those for now--i am changing ALOT these
days and want to wait a little before i try to
articulate anything.

all that to say....i'm going to be taking a little break from blogging.
hopefully i will be able to store up lots of little treasures for...ahem...next month?
christmas break? spring? we will see!

but i promise if something weighs on me enough, i will write about it. you have my word.

Look at that big ol' belt buckle.

2009-10-01T20:40:00.008-05:00

:)

The State Fair of Texas is here!!
Oh I'm so excited.

I love me some Big Tex.
Fried pickles.
Fried oreos.
Fried pickles and fried oreos mixed together with fried butter on top....that nasty.

And...F U N H O U S E S!
{yippee! my favorite part}

What's your favorite thing to do at the fair?

Something New #2

2009-09-28T22:41:00.008-05:00

eeeeek!! i have my first tutoring session
tomorrow with two 8th grade girls.
...and it's in science.

{freaking out a little.}

< call to confession. >

2009-09-22T21:22:00.008-05:00

when i refused to confess my sin,

i was weak and miserable,

and i groaned all day long.

day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

---------

my stength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

finally, i confessed all my sins to you

and stopped trying to hide them.

i said to myself, 'i will confess my rebellion to the lord,'

and you forgave me! all my guilt is gone.

---------

therefore, let all the godly confess their rebellion

to you while there is time,

that they may not drown in the floodwaters of judgment.

for you are my hiding place;

you protect me from trouble.

you surround me with songs of victory.

---------

psalm 32:3-7

{{{ reality }}}

2009-09-21T23:34:00.010-05:00

can you fathom the weight of a soul?
{ there was this dry erase board at the lodge last year where these words were written...david, chris, and will never erased it. these words are etched in my mind. }

oh my gaaaaaaaaaaahhhh........

2009-09-14T17:31:00.012-05:00

i am reading this book right now for my intro to theology class.

i really like reading, but i can think of alot of things i'd rather do than read this one...like swim in a pool of cockroaches or eat bologne for the rest of my life.

i'm not kidding.

it needs a marketing makeover as well.

help! i have to finish it by friday.

Bat A Bing Bat A Boom!

2009-09-14T01:26:00.007-05:00

Antonio Ballatore won HGTV's DesignStar!!

If you didn't watch the show, I'd encourage you to catch him on

The Antonio Project

airing next Sunday night at 9 pm.

---------------

He really is so fun to watch and quite good at what he does.

you HAVE to watch this!

2009-09-07T18:09:00.007-05:00

oh my goodness, y'all, this is for real.

look at his suitcase when he starts packing.

he isn't playin around.

2009-09-06T11:08:00.016-05:00

John 5: 39-44 (ESV): "You search the scriptures, because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life. I do not receive glory from people. But I know that you do not have the love of God within you. I have come in my Father's name, and you do not receive me. If another comes in his own name, you will receive him. How can you believe, when you receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?"

{ e x t r e m e l y

h u m b l e d a n d
c o n v i c t e d
b y t h e s e w o r d s
t h i s
m o r n i n g . }

I just realized how emo this post is....

2009-09-02T23:35:00.017-05:00

Adele's Hometown Glory is so beautiful. Forget about the lyrics for just a second. Listen to the piano. And the violins. And her voice, my goodness.

ramblings

2009-09-01T22:48:00.010-05:00

ok so tomorrow i am going to attempt something that will undoubtedly not come easy for me. i am going to try and make it to the tom landry center before 7 am. whew. a daunting task, i tell you, and a big step for me concerning discipline. discipline is something ive negotiated in the past, and quite simply put, it is not an option anymore. you are 22, calli, and it's about time you learned how to be a grown up. hmph. (and while we're on that note, does anyone have any tips on how to stop biting your nails?)

btw, the tom landry center is amazing (ps i try not to use the word 'amazing' because i think it is overused, but eh, it is what it is). it has lockers. it has a steamroom, whirlpool, sauna, pool, treadmills, weights, track, free pitchers of water, free towels, tv area, couches... and lots of cute older people who do water aerobics, which may be the best part :)

ps. i have lots and lots of thoughts about my first week at dts but at the moment i am just trying to keep my head above water. it feels like i have learned a great deal already. i also know that i have only scratched the surface of what is to come and i wait with great anticipation and expectation.

pss. i have created a new challenge for myself. over the next semester, i am going to try something new everyday. that could be taking a different way to school...ordering something new on the menu...seeing an exhibit at the dma...wearing red lipstick for the first time (eeek! that might be scary)...riding the dart...attempting to cook one of giada's meals...even thinking in a way i am not accustomed to. these are just some ideas :) whenever something is familiar and routine, we sometimes lose sight of the reason we do it. this is my meager attempt at moving outside of my comfort zone and into something that is uncomfortable but life giving.

what ive come to know:

2009-08-30T23:01:00.007-05:00

I seem to fear so many things...but have no real fear of you, Lord.

this is my jam right now, and by jam i mean...reverent, slow song

2009-08-30T22:48:00.009-05:00

savior i come
quiet my soul remember
redemptions hill
where your blood was spilled
for my ransom
everything i once held dear
i count it all as lost

lead me to the cross
where your love poured out
bring me to my knees
lord i lay me down
rid me of myself
i belong to you
lead me, lead me to the cross

you were as i
tempted and trialed
you are
the word became flesh
bore my sin and death
now youre risen

to your heart
to your heart
lead me to your heart
lead me to your heart

{{hillsong united}}

tillman's roadhouse.

2009-08-29T12:39:00.012-05:00

hi! happy saturday!

my mom, charlie, and i went to

t i l l m a n ' s r o a d h o u s e

in the bishop arts district last night.

it's perfect.

oh! such neat design.

new little haven.

2009-08-24T22:13:00.019-05:00

OK so my dallas room is finally {well almost finally}
c o m p l e t e !!

sadly, i just have this one picture of my bathroom.
what do ya think?

my bathroom used to be bright pink and give you a wrenching headache. i turned 22 and suddenly it was time to usher in "maturity", and so naturally that meant light blue :)

#259658

2009-08-20T18:49:00.014-05:00

i got speeding ticket #259658 yesterday.

first thought after my heart stopped: how fast am i going?

{look at speedometer.}

second thought: shoooooooooooot. oh no...oh no. shoot.

third thought: ohhhh charlie is going to kill me.

he told me later...

"calli, i'm going to buy you a horse."

vapiano.

2009-08-14T23:31:00.009-05:00

i have a new favorite restaurant!
you ready for it?

vapiano. {mockingbird station, you are making a mean comeback.}
i actually think it has a chance of surpassing tony's in my book...now that's sayin somethin.

charlie picked it up for dinner tonight...i had an arugula salad with cherry tomatoes and this yummy spicy rotini...and all for a really good price! {considering we ate at cafe italia the night before and despite impeccable service, we overpaid for shrimp ravioli.}

so im thinking a milano and a big ol glass of milk sounds
uh-mazing
right about now :)

also!
i am headed to austin for the weekend to help katie b and elyse move into their aparment on duval {so happy for a change of scenery!} then to catelyns sunday night, and college station on monday to help with rush skits and to see crawf, mindy, and mica. i miss all of them...so much.

another thing...i took a mandatory assessment for entering students at dts this morning, testing my knowledge of theology and the bible...
i am so dead.
out of 150 questions, i think i knew 10. 10!
it was so hard.

and one more thing...the time travelers wife was a bit of a disappointment. the book really is so much more beautiful.
happy weekend!

September 13th.

2009-08-10T23:24:00.020-05:00

I am so so so thankful for that little red brick building with limited parking in Highland Village, TX...45 minutes away from me. Small but mighty, I tell ya.

~
Also! The Village's Dallas Northway campus {Walnut Hill!!} opens September 13th!

{Membership class registration opens October 19th, 9 a.m.}

Stoked.

cargo pants

2009-08-08T00:44:00.017-05:00

i love evangeline lilly.

she is beautiful, isn't she?

* when i was a sophomore in college, kirbs let me use her j. crew discount to buy cargo pants like the ones she wears on LOST. on any normal day, i would not buy pants, let alone cargo pants!--{i would much rather spend money on dresses or skirts.}-- but honest to goodness, i think part of me thought that i would actually become more like kate if i just dressed the part. i just knew i would be able to climb trees at these incredible speeds and shoot guns and eat bugs and defeat death on a daily basis...

...she's just cool. watch an episode or two! you will know what i'm talking about.

-------------------------------------------------------

* p.s. i wore my cargo pants for about a month and then washed them and they shrunk and so now they are highwaters.

Time Traveling.

2009-08-07T01:13:00.007-05:00

Ok....I know, I know...The Time Traveler's Wife has not yet graced theaters (August 14th--I'll be there with my pickle)...but I just know that I am going to love it. Why? Well, I just finished the book today while Alex (precious 2 year old I am babysitting) slept and I bawled my eyes out. Aaaaand because I adore Rachel McAdams (who doesn't?) and Eric Bana. They're gonna be great together. And I'm not really sure what I am doing staying up so late except to say that I am thinking about Henry and Clare and time traveling and love and becoming an artist (like Clare).

things i've learned as a pseudo mom...real moms are the best.

2009-08-03T17:55:00.019-05:00

1. pack as many dishes as possible into the dishwasher. we don't want to waste water.
2. dorm room shopping is super fun but kinda stressful when you're not the kid anymore.
3. watering the plants is tricky: "don't overdo it, calli, but still give them what they need.".........huh??
4. clean out the refrigerator every time you think about it...if you don't, you'll pay for it big time.
5. there is absolutely no sense in vacuuming when you have a dog that sheds half of its body weight in seconds.

6. i now know how to pick out a good bottle of champagne!
7. folding clothes: don't leave 'em in the dryer for a week...it's just a bad idea. you'll have to dry 'em all over again to get all the wrinkles out, or end up ironing your t-shirts.
8. holy ravioli, celebrity bakery, zoe's...good places to go when you have 2 boys in the house, a sick mom, and a daughter that has a tendency to overcook the noodles.
9. general rule of thumb: add two more spoonfuls of coffee grounds than you think, calli.

10. i have a whole new appreciation for my mom :)

{im sorry husband, wherever you are. im learning:)}

Compassion for Fair Oaks

2009-07-31T14:19:00.014-05:00

On my way to Jamba Juice today I drove through Fair Oaks, a section of Dallas separating Lake Highlands from Highland Park. It gets a pretty bad rap. The apartments in Fair Oaks house minority, low income families {and I would even venture to say a high population of illegal immigrants}. Fair Oaks has been plagued with high crime rates for over 20 years...liquor stores occupy every street corner...I'm talkin drug trafficking and gangs, unkempt lawns, older men pushing shopping carts to work, and obscene rap music blaring through the streets at all times... growing up, I remember my mom locking the doors of our station wagon whenever we braved Park Lane. There is a part of me that is terrified of this place.

But as I drove I kept thinking that Jesus would be here.
He would be with

the poor,
the lost,
the profane,
the addicts,
the apathetic.

We separate ourselves from them because we think they "do society a disgrace," or that it "serves them right to be in jail..." yeah, yeah. But we, as middle class Americans, fall prey to something much worse. We are Pharisees, in the worse sense of the word. We shout "sinner" so loud that we cannot hear our own blasphemy. Because we do not see our own condition, we have no real need for Jesus Christ and his infinite grace {I talked a little about this in an earlier post: Christianity Redefined}. And if we haven't experienced His grace, how are we to grant it to others? With pure motives and authenticity?

Another thought. This one kind of gets me going. What is it about affluent America that makes us think that adultery or addiction or debt cannot touch us? That we are somehow above falling into those sins? Unfortunately, I think this stuff is just as prevalent, maybe even more so, among the people who've "got it together." We are such hypocrites. We are all drowning in conformity...legalism...self-righteousness.

As I continued I thought of the Parable of the Good Samaritan. How the priest {the priest!!} and the Levite passed by the man and the Samaritan "saw him and had compassion." {Luke 10:33}

Jesus goes on to say, "Which of these 3, do you think, proved to be a neighbor to the man who fell among the robbers?" He said, "The one who showed him mercy...you, go and do likewise."

Hmm.
Something to think about.

::Cannot Wait!::

2009-07-29T15:56:00.010-05:00

you guys!

i have finalized my schedule for this fall.

what do you think?

----------

1. Spiritual Life

2. Bible Study Methods and Hermeneutics

[hermeneutics: the science of interpretation of the Scriptures]

3. Christian Counseling

4. Intro to Theology

5. Angelology, Anthropology, and Harmartiology

[angelology: the theory concerning angels]

[hamartiology: the doctine of sin]

----------

the study of angels? how cool is that.

Put Your Record On

2009-07-28T22:38:00.021-05:00

If I could make the most epic playlist of all time {er... actually maybe just for this season of my life} , I would include these songs... most of 'em are mellow and they make me squeal with happiness :) And because of Apple's consistent innovation, we have millions of tunes at our fingertips.

{love to you, steve jobs, as ceo.}

1. Healer. Kari Jobe

2. Best Thing. Graham Colton

3. Come On Get Higher. Matt Nathanson

4. Run. George Strait

5. Georgia. Boz Scaggs

6. Falling Slowly. Kris Allen

7. City. Sara Bareilles

8. Thinking of You. Katy Perry

9. Motorcycle Drive By. Third Eye Blind

10. Drops of Jupiter. Train

11. I'll Be. Edwin McCain

12. Embracing Accusation. Shane and Shane

12. Crazier. Taylor Swift

13. I Lost It. Kenny Chesney

14. Can We Still Be Friends. Mandy Moore {don't judge.}

15. Song For You. Michael Buble

16. You Are Everything. Michael McDonald

17. Escape. Enrique Iglesias

18. So High. Jeff Johnson

19. The Stand. Hillsong

20. Sweet Thing. Keith Urban

Wannabe in the Top 20

Come Pick Me Up. Ryan Adams

The Way You Make Me Feel. Michael Jackson

Ashes and Wine. A Fine Frenzy

Lovestoned. Justin Timberlake

Heartbreaker. Mariah Carey

Never Be The Same. Christopher Cross {thanks, Dad.}

Down in the Flames. Mindy Smith

yes, yes, lots of pop, true to form :)

does anyone else share any of my loves??

falling for it

2009-07-26T22:18:00.024-05:00

magazines these days are out of control.

i picked up a cosmopolitan the other day. one of the subheadings read, "get hit on all the time." and then in parentheses...{your friends will be really annoyed.}

really?

east west ministries goes to india

2009-07-24T00:08:00.004-05:00

so my dear aunt, vicki mullins, is the director of orphanage ministry at east ministries here in dallas. so cool, right? she has led trips to kenya, russia, and india...and guess what? she is taking a team BACK to india over my spring break at dts this upcoming spring. she has purposefully planned it so that i might be able to go and oh, im just giddy and humbled by the thought of spending 10 days in such a dark and needy place {and yet he is so alive there.} alot of details have to be sorted out, but i would so implore you guys to pray with me as i pursue his purpose for my life and as the path is paved for his gospel to be spread.

love you all :)

im a lucky girl

2009-07-23T11:42:00.007-05:00

oh! so excited about seeing such talent

tonight at the american idol concert!

katie b is comin wit me.

eeeeeeek!

{more pictures to come later,

you know i'll be zoomin in on kris ;)...

but im not a creeper, i promise}

nancy drew, i love you.

2009-07-21T19:15:00.014-05:00

ok so today i finished mind's eye {created by swedish author hakan nesser, and let me tell you, this book was really scary...} but it was so worth-it :) i went to barnes & noble the other night with the intention of purchasing the time traveler's wife, but to my dismay, they were sold out. half price books was as well so i decided to brave borders, even though i have some bad memories of that place {see catchup, an earlier post}. but i went straight to the fiction/literature section and was pleasantly surprised to find plenty in stock and so that's what's up next for me. super excited!

however, that is not the real reason i am writing ;) i am writing to encourage katie b {and mica, annie, sarah, and caroline--my 5 faithful commentators} to pick up a good ol mystery sometime--they really are pageturners!!--and because i am convinced that suspense novels are entertainment at its finest.

when i was in elementary school i read a good portion of the nancy drew series (66 of them to be exact). carolyn keene is so brilliant. she created nancy... so yea...she's gotta be great. nancy was this fabulous character, replete with this very supportive and good looking boyfriend, 2 best friends {and their very supportive, good looking boyfriends}, a warm housekeeper, loving father, wit and intelligence to spare...she was just with-it. and always so prepared. no matter what situation she came up against, she always had a change of clothes in her trunk. and she always ate healthy lunches. and she carried a thermos.

but jesus said, lose your life and you will surely gain it again (mark 18:36)

2009-07-17T13:51:00.010-05:00

"America today is a 'save yourself' society if there ever was one. But does it really work? The underdeveloped societies suffer from one set of diseases: tuberculosis, malnutrition, pneumonia, parasites, typhoid, cholera, typhus, etc. Affulent America has virtually invented a whole new set of diseases: obesity, arteriosclerosis, heart disease, strokes, lung cancer, venereal disease, cirrhosis of the liver, drug addiction, alcoholism, divorce, battered children, suicide, murder. Take your choice...Our affluence has allowed both mobility and isolation of the nuclear family, and as a result, our divorce courts, our prisons, and our mental institutions are flooded. In saving ourselves we have nearly lost ourselves. Consider this: How hard have we tried to save others?"

...an excerpt from a chapter on Money in Desiring God (which i am slowly but surely finishing!)

-------------------------------------------------------------

I wish I could express in words how revolutionary this book has been for me. It is heavy, at times confusing and over my head, but the majority of the time Piper offers a fresh perspective on simple truths articulated in the Bible, and I find myself changed and challeged by the call to holiness. I highly highly recommend this book to the thirsty and willing.

mustard sneakers.

2009-07-16T20:31:00.018-05:00

saturday night: drew, taylor, katie b, and i went to eat at cafe express and afterwards lollygagged on over to urban outfitters. we picked out the most outrageous clothes in the store to try on and katie ended up in a crazy cat lady outfit and we got to see a side of drew and taylor we've never seen before. :)

30 minutes later katie and i walked out with these kicks...2 for $30. go getcha some!

{mustard--and purple!!--for me, of course.

katie got black...she's so emo.}

thursday morning.

2009-07-14T21:44:00.022-05:00

my mom is having surgery this upcoming thursday and we would so appreciate your prayers. she ruptured a disc in her lower back almost 3 weeks ago...

...love you mom. you're gonna do great.

phone convo #2

2009-07-13T23:40:00.014-05:00

This is me and my crazy friend Kristolyn last summa at K2.

Please look at her face. Is that scary or what?

{So so glad we got to catch up tonight.}

p.s.

2009-07-09T14:36:00.002-05:00

i have a crush on sand volleyball.

this mornings' read.

2009-07-09T14:04:00.007-05:00

"Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by doing so some people have entertained angels without knowing it."
Hebrews 13:2

lucy kate part 2.

2009-07-08T00:11:00.003-05:00

is she not just the cutest you've ever seen?

*warning* she does have a little 'tude sometimes.

don't we all?

lucy kate part 1.

2009-07-06T17:04:00.013-05:00

ok so today i got to babysit the most precious little girl...lucy kate.
i LOVE her name.
she's super tiny and allergic to virtually everything you put in front of her. except cupcakes.
today she asked me to make her a cupcake with pink frosting and sprinkles and a curly q candle and sing 'happy birthday' to her "because she was turning 6." (note: she is actually 4 and her birthday is not until december) but i was happy to do it :)

thoughts on seminary

2009-07-05T23:15:00.015-05:00

ok, so in 50 days i will be starting classes at dts! {that's it up there! it doesnt look like it, but its in da hood.}
i am super excited...
and yet somewhat nervous. actually really nervous.

i feel so insanely inadequate sometimes when i think about this dream job of mine {counseling, of course}
i worry about not knowing my bible well enough when tough questions come up.
i worry that i will confuse and fail to clarify.
i worry about losing my passion for scripture in the midst of my studies.
i am unsure about so many things...

and through it all, i KNOW that you've got a plan jesus. duh.
you know me better than i know myself.
forgive my doubting heart.

this verse comes to mind quite a bit these days...
'call to me and i will answer you, and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'
jeremiah 33:3

i love that.

i am so thankful for parents who were willing to take a chance on this. oh, lord, this is so new to me, but my desire for more of your word and for more training {in so many areas} has completely consumed me.

lord i don't want to do anything else but seek and know you.
and love your people.

addendum

2009-06-28T10:42:00.004-05:00

more important events going down on july 1st...

1. katie and mark return from nigeria.

2. elyse starts work in austin.

whoop.

see yall sooooon.

have a beautiful week.

simple "yes it's a good thing" sarah

2009-06-27T18:48:00.014-05:00

eeek! tomorrow i leave for camp wow in stuart, oklahoma.
thee camp 2009! gonna be insane.
i. cannot. wait. {oh oh and i get to spend a week with jennifer hopkins...waaaay overdue}
so because i will not be here on the 1st, i wanted to say...in advance...

Happy Birthday Sarah!!

oh i love me some sarah stutsman.

this past summer we spent 6 weeks in spain living together, and yall im not kidding, it was one of the most cherished times of my life.

she is so. much. fun. so funny. so random. so refreshing. so genuine. so easy to be with. so understanding. so honest. so beyond her years...

so, in honor of sarah, ive posted this video by creed.

ask her to sing for you sometime.

the king of pop.

2009-06-26T10:37:00.009-05:00

michael jackson died yesterday. [along with farrah fawcett]
not many people know that my friend austin and i had a mild obsession with michael in junior high (and it's probably safe to say high school as well).
we made up all kinds of dances to billie jean, thriller, black or white, beat it, bad, etc.
she even had a dvd with all his music videos and i know i purchased double discs featuring the 30357534 songs that reached number one.

so when austin moves back to dallas this fall we are going to dedicate a night to celebrating his brilliance and profound musical influence on our lives.

we love you michael.

"if you want to make the world a better place
take a look at yourself and make a change."
[ghandi inspired.]

An excerpt from Desiring God...

2009-06-24T14:30:00.000-05:00

"I saw more clearly than ever, that the first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day was, to have my soul happy in the Lord. The first thing to be concerned about was not, how much I might serve the Lord, how I might glorify the Lord; but how I might get my soul into a happy state, and how my inner man [or woman] may be nourished...I saw that the most important thing I had to do was to give myself to the reading of the Word of God and to meditation on it."

~George Muller of Bristol~

*I am learning so much about the value of scripture...the Bible, holy and undefiled... spoken to us who might take it and be doers of what it says. [James 1:22] "For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in the mirror. For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he looks like."

"For if you treat the Scriptures as trifle or as empty words, you forfeit life."

John Piper

In Desiring God, Piper explains that we must become like Ezra, for "he had set his heart to study the Law of the Lord, and to do it and to teach his statutes and rules in Israel."

[Ezra 7:9-10]

Oh this chapter has revolutionized the way I approach my quiet time.

I used to always pray beforehand.

Of course, prayer is not bad in itself, but I found that

I had subjected myself to what Piper later described in his own struggle...

"At all events I almost invariably began with prayer...But what was the result? I often spent a quarter of an hour, or half an hour, or even an hour on my knees, before being conscious to myself of having derived comfort, encouragement, humbling of soul, etc; and often after having suffered much from wandering of mind for the first 10 minutes, or quarter of an hour, I only then began really to pray."

Yup...Distraction.

Often times, I would substitute prayer for scripture itself, and found that...

"What is the food for the inner man: not prayer, but the Word of God; and here again not the simple reading of the Word, so that it only passes through our minds, just as water runs through a pipe, but considering what we read, pondering over it, and applying it to our hearts..."

oh, so good. he's brilliant.

catherine, what's a drag queen?

2009-06-15T17:48:00.001-05:00

this post is dedicated to one of my dearest friends in the whole world...

katie "crawf" crawford.

she turns 22 today.

and if you're wondering where the title came from,

well, she was just curious.

ha! she is one of a kind.

she has the kindest heart and the most gentle spirit of anyone i know :)

...so thankful for her...

oh crawf. hope you had a great day today!
{confession: i actually miss sharing a bed with you!}

*excuse my double chin.

you are for me.

2009-06-09T22:46:00.000-05:00

katie b first showed me this song a couple of months ago (thank you SO MUCH!) but not until recently did it ever penetrate the corners of my doubting and restless heart. i think it is the most beautiful song i've ever heard...to think that the lord would direct kari's hand to write words that would move a generation, stirring the hearts of his people and renewing our spirts as we praise him...oh! that you might listen and be encouraged...

also! check out "the revelation song" and www.karijobe.com!

Happy {graduation} ~Jake~

2009-06-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

mama and jake
fam.
gg. isn't she beautiful?

words cannot even describe how much i love you/am so proud of you :)

you're going to love baylor.

(and in turn restore honor to the generations of baylor bears in our family.)

gig 'em.

to look after orphans and widows in their distress

2009-06-06T22:12:00.001-05:00

ok so i got to babysit friday night for 11 year old amanda rankin. i babysat her all the time in high school, and let me tell ya, she has changed so much! she is her own little person now, replete with her own opinions and glitter eyeshadow (and lipgloss and bronzer) and an interest in boys. and she is brilliant. we were eating at chick-fil-a that night when i asked her...

"amanda, how are you so smart?"

"hmm...i don't know. my mom is a lawyer."

"do you make straight A's in school?"

"ummm, some A's and some B's. listen, lady, it's not as easy as you think. there's all these cute boys. then you have the drama that comes with just being in junior high. academics is the last thing on my mind."

she was so funny to me. i found myself just watching her sometimes. oh to be 11 again!
what you don't know is that amanda was adopted and that she has lived with susan (her mom) ever since she was a newborn. and while i was with her, this verse kept coming back to me:

"religion that god our father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted from the world."

james 1: 27

{{sidenote: i realize that being labeled as an "orphan" does not necessarily mean that you don't have any parents, but that it implies a sense of helplessness. essentially, those who have not trusted christ with their life are called "orphans," because the true meaning of "orphan" here is "fatherless."}}

but nevertheless, are you claiming this verse calli?

are you pursuing opportunities to "look after orphans and widows in their distress" without a thought of what you might receive in return?

are you regarding this verse as something you'll eventually get around to, or as something that is of extreme importance and eternal value?

are you taking your eyes off of yourself long enough to realize (and meet) the needs of others?

oh! my prayer is that i might be found faithful, jesus.

"whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."

mark 9:37

mornings.

2009-06-04T12:12:00.000-05:00

i love mornings.

but i must say, it wasn't always this way.

in my teenage years (oh, soooo long ago) i slept in every chance i could get. and i mean, until say, 11 or 12 or 1 in the afternoon. i remember coming home from school my senior year, going straight to the couch, and sleeping until dinner was ready. i must have had mono or something because that is just ridiculous. i also remember sarah and adam coming to my house one day to film a video for kristin kopf's birthday...they were coming to film her friends saying, "happy birthday/you mean so much to me/thanks for the laughs/what am i going to do without you?/you're wonderful" kind-of-thing. and of course, there i was, sprawled out on the couch, mouth open and everything (it's on video). this is all to say that i had hardly seen the light of day before noon when i went to college 4 years ago.

well. i am happy to say that i have grown up (a little) and have realized the importance of getting the day started early. i'm still not thirty, flirty, and thriving, but i am 21 and trying. {22 in 1 month and 4 days, but who's counting?}

so mornings are just great. every morning i rush to put a pot of coffee on and make an english muffin and then retreat to the back porch where i can read and write and pretend like i am in a bungalow far far away. {that is, if i am not working or have some other commitment.} i realize that i will not always have the option of taking my time here, and find myself truly thankful for the rest and relaxation that is found in mornings like these. even when i am in school these next 3 years or working a full time job, i hope to still find time to enjoy...soak up...rest in... the beginning of a new day (with new mercies), no matter how early i have to hit my alarm clock.

so enjoy today! he is so good.

::Christianity Redefined::

2009-06-02T15:33:00.000-05:00

"What makes you faithful or generous is not just a redoubled effort to follow moral rules. Rather, all change comes from deepening your understanding of the salvation of Christ and living out the changes that understanding creates in your heart. Behavioral compliance without heart-change will be superficial and fleeting.

The gospel is therefore not just the ABC's of the Christian life, but the A to Z of the Christian life. Our problems arise largely because we don't continually return to the gospel to work it in and live it out."

Oh! What a great book this has been.

I have grown up hearing the Parable of the Prodigal Son...about how foolish the younger brother was...how rebellious, how he learned his lesson in-a-big-way, and about how forgiving his father was. The story is meant to parallel and shed light on our own wanderings and selfish ambitions, but also to highlight the depth of the grace that has been restored to us. Maybe not even restored, but realized, yet again (because it's always been there), by us who have missed the mark. But in Tim Keller's book, he reminds us of the older son, whose self righteousness and sense of entitlement kept him from experiencing/knowing/loving the Lord as well. He has remained faithful his entire life, and now his (good-for-nothing) brother is being welcomed (no, not just welcomed, but celebrated) by his father. If I am honest, there is part of me that identifies with the older brother. It doesn't seem fair.

But Keller points out that the older brother's problem might be more fatal than the younger brother's. What? At one point, Keller says...

"Why doesn't the older brother go in [to enjoy the feast for his brother]?
The older brother himself gives the reason: 'Because I've never disobeyed you.' The elder brother is not losing the father's love in spite of his goodness, but because of it."

What Keller is saying is that the older brother wanted the father's goods rather than the father himself. That was his way to get control. His unspoken demand is "I have never disobeyed you! Now you have to do things in my life the way I want them to be done."

"You can avoid Jesus as Savior by keeping all the moral laws. If you do that, then you have "rights." God owes you answered prayers, and a good life, and a ticket to heaven when you die."

Soooo what makes the older brother's sin more serious?

He was actually more alienated and distant from his father because he was blind to his true condition.

The Lord says (in layman's terms :)), "The humble are in and the proud are out." (Luke 18:24)

Jesus, may my lips never drip with self righteousness nor my thoughts be riddled with pride. Save me from thinking too much of myself, from thinking that my "faithfulness" somehow warrants your blessings or entitles me to your grace. You sought me out, found me, bought me with a price, sanctified me, putting me in right standing before God and equipping me with your Holy Spirit. Give me the ability to see my own condition, Father, may I be found blameless before you.

'Amazing grace, how sweet the sound,

that saved a wretch like me!

I once was lost, but now am found,

was blind, but now I see.'

*Completely off topic but... I found this on youtube the other day--Enjoy!!

Miss You Molly.

2009-05-30T00:21:00.000-05:00

oh! i am trying to find a way to

columbus, ohio.

{to see molly of course}

*willing to sell property, take on part time job, buy lots of lottery tickets, cut a deal with my brother, join crawf's garage sale, give back massages, host a lemonade stand, teach spanish lessons, ask for donations, write a famous person and ask them for a donation, sell my aggie ring (oh wait, nevermind), enter contests, do your homework for you, join my brother's lawn mowing business, or give you a manicure or pedicure.

any ideas?

New Recipe--Just In!

2009-05-27T22:04:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know that I am just awful at cooking, but since I've been home, I have learned to truly appreciate my mom's culinary skills. She is SO GOOD at what she does (thanks to Giata on the Food Network--not kidding, it's on 24/7 at our house). Over the past week I have taken detailed notes on how to make deviled eggs, chicken milano, and most importantly...tortilla lasagna. I found the recipe for it this morning in the Dallas Morning News, and I am absolutely dying to make it. I tried to find a picture of it on Google, but none of the pictures I found did it justice (I even considered scanning the picture in the newspaper) so just close your eyes and imagine how delightful this could be...

1 package of Spanish rice mix
1 can whole kernal corn with sweet peppers, undrained
2 cans black beans, undrained
10 corn tortillas
2 cups Monterey Jack cheese with jalapeno peppers

Preheat oven to 400F. Prepare rice according to package directions, except substitute undrained corn for 1/2 cup liquid. Place undrained beans in a medium bowl, mash slightly. Place 5 tortillas in the bottom of a 3-quart rectangular baking dish, overlapping and placing slightly up the sides of the dish. Spoon beans evenly over tortillas. Sprinkle with 1 cup of cheese. Top with the remaining tortillas. Spoon cooked rice over tortillas. Bake uncovered, for 30 minutes. Uncover and sprinkle with 1 cup of cheese. Bake 5 minutes until cheese melts. Let stand 10 minutes before cutting. Makes 6 servings.

Ok, so y'all, I know it sounds like ALOT of carbs but it is only 482 calories per serving (I had to ask my mom if that was good--it is.) AND...19 g of protein (thank you, black beans)!!

Anyway, I think I might make it for our Bachelorette party next Monday night at my house! What do y'all think?

P.S. We love you Jake. I hope Jillian picks you.

--a simple response--

2009-05-26T22:02:00.000-05:00

in response to the question, "what is wrong with the world?" posed by an old newspaper, a man wrote a brief letter in response,

dear sirs,

i am.

sincerely yours,

g.k. chesterton

really powerful, huh?

read this in the prodigal god tonight.

just something to think about :)

meditation on your promises

2009-05-23T10:59:00.000-05:00

jesus. i am so sick, so poor, so needy.

"for i do not understand my own actions. for i do not do what i want, but i do the very thing i hate...for i know nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh...for i delight in the law of god, in my inner being, but i see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin...wretched man that i am!" {romans 7}

but praise you, jesus, because

"there is therefore no condemnation for those who are in you." {romans 8:1}

and because

"i received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost [of sinners], you might display your perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in you for eternal life." {i timothy 1:16}

and because

"i am fearfully and wonderfully made." {psalm 139:14}

and because

"you are near to me as i call on you, to all who call on you in truth. you fulfill the desire of those who fear you, you also hear my cry and save me." {psalm 145:18}

o ephraim, it is i who answer and look after you. i am like an evergreen cypress, from me comes your fruit.

hosea 14:8

adam lambert shout-out.

2009-05-20T23:53:00.000-05:00

you guys! kris allen won american idol! i have been rootin for him ever since i heard him sing "man in the mirror" in the top 36. i was so happy to see him triumph as the underdog. :)
on the other hand...i was SO sad for adam. i really must not get so attached next time.
so...in honor of the sometimes scary and yet unbelievably humble and talented adam lambert, i have posted this video of my favorite performance of his...u2's "one" (good choice simon)

can't wait for both albums to come out! i've love you american idol. thank you for giving us carrie, kelly, daughtry, jordin sparks, josh gracin, syesha, brooke white, david cook, and david archuleta.

y'all...

2009-05-19T22:53:00.000-05:00

i was snooping on urbanoutfitters.com tonight and found these treasures...

(i saw this orange one in the store itself! i must say...pretty darn cute!)

isn't this next one cool? (it's by free people) ----->

and again...

the following are from anthropologie...

(why, yes, i'd love to go on a picnic with you.)

{don't you love it?}

and finally one from j.crew...i must have sneeked a peek 10 times the other day when we were shopping :)

grad-u-ate: "to change gradually or by degrees"

2009-05-18T12:11:00.000-05:00

we did it!

catchup

2009-05-14T15:30:00.000-05:00

Eeeek! So many things have happened since I last blogged! Let me tell you about them :)

1. I finished my last day of college. College! It was a very surreal thing. I drove back through main campus and reminisced about older.younger.times.
2. We had a luau Saturday night with a slip-n-slide and played 'body language' lots and lots of times.
3. Watched the guys play a final game of baseball on Anderson field. That was a really sad day.
4. Watched Kris Allen make it to the finals in American Idol! So excited for next week...
5. Interviewed with Borders ( I don't think I will take the job. Got a weird vibe. )
6. Ate french toast at Granny's with all of my closest friends, love those O'Dwyers :)
7. Went to Courtney's bridal shower--It was held at the most beautiful of homes in College Station!
8. Said goodbye to sweet Alisha.

I'll post pictures from graduation later!
YAY!

i wonder

2009-05-07T21:29:00.000-05:00

i got to babysit 2 year old mallory today. what a joy... i owe michele. :)
she is precious. (she reminds me alot of katelyn oelze... both are tiny, sassy, blue-eyed, blonde, expressive, independent...) hmm.
i was mesmerized by her today.
i wonder what it's like for a mom to look at her daughter. i wonder what its like to see your daughter's chest rise and fall as she breathes. to know that she came from you, and that she was knit together perfectly by a perfect god. to watch her with the man you married. to see her personality change and develop. to watch her interact with other kids. to see her laugh and hear her cry and to know that one day she will grow up and have kids of her own. gosh. what a high calling it is to be a parent. but what a blessing, you know?

i'd give my right arm for this patio

2009-05-06T23:25:00.000-05:00

i'm not sure it gets much better than this :)

PB+Js

2009-05-05T16:43:00.000-05:00

i am in a big pickle. somehow i have to come up with $160 before thursday....

let me just tell ya, i am a po-po magnet. in the past 2 months, i have been pulled over twice for speeding (one time in a school zone--oops), once for running a red light, and once for driving david's car without insurance. that's not including 3 a&m parking tickets.

so this semester i have been trying to be a better steward of my money and have looked for ways to pay back my tickets myself (as i should have been doing all along...thank you thank you parents) but in the meantime, i have:

1. sold one textbook back (80$--i know, can you believe it?)

2. sold regular ol' books back at half price ($9.50, i'm bankin)

3. sold my twin mattress, box spring, and frame through craigslist ($70--they talked me down from my original price of $80)

Grand Total: $159.50 down, $160 to go

i am still considering selling some clothes and donating plasma. any other ideas? last week i bought captain crunch, mac-n-cheese, and bread at the nearest convenience store(thank goodness for you, shell card). i've eaten lots of pb+js lately :)

mich said maybe i could babysit with her on thursday? yes please.

anyway! i say all this because i have definately learned my lesson. calli, always wear your seatbelt, carry your insurance with you, follow the speed limit, never run red lights, never text while driving, never get into debt, and most importantly...

never drive a lexus.

they'll get ya.

who is man that you repay him?

2009-05-04T09:38:00.000-05:00

Lord, you are changing me. Goodness, you are changing me. Lord I have been so

selfish

unfaithful

defensive

flaky

undisciplined

fearful

prideful

judgemental

self-seeking

Though I stand accused and condemned by Satan, you call me by name...beloved.

Psalm 43:

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...Because you are precious in my eyes and honored, and I love you..."

love you friend.

2009-04-28T17:21:00.000-05:00

happy birthday to you

happy birthday dear katieeeee bbbbbbb

happy birthday to you!!

Rainy Day Snuggle

2009-04-27T22:44:00.000-05:00

i LOVE the rain.

today we watched pride and prejudice (i think keira knightley is so cool) and slurped up ice cream and i finally had a chance to start augstine's book.

it was magical.

when i was younger my mom, jake, and i used to scramble outside to our front porch before a thunderstorm would hit and just plop down where we were to smell the rain. we would sit there in silence to listen and think and marvel.